Being a Salmagundi from the Talking-Pointes of the late Sieur Davide du Camerone, Gentleman of the Privy and Counsellier upon the Fourth Estate to his most Catholic Majesty, the late King Louis XVI
An unexpectedly large forecast error in the Budget leads Finance Minister Necker to call an emergency Estates-General:
We’re all in this together. Only a balanced parliament reflecting the national consensus to deal with the debt can keep us from ending up like Spain. M. Colbert didn’t fix the roof while the sun was shining, but His Majesty is determined to get our finances in surplus by 1792. That’s on a rolling five-year cash basis excluding interventions in North America and royal mistresses.
Serious disorder breaks out in central Paris, and unruly demonstrators set the Bastille on fire:
You have to understand that there were only a very small number of low-category prisoners in the Bastille. In fact, as part of Finance Minister Necker’s austerity plan to deal with the debt, we were thinking of closing it next year. In a sense, and speaking entirely off the record, the rioters have done us a favour, and have driven the silent majority to support our new decapitation-based law and order strategy
Queen Marie Antoinette’s ill-advised selfie with the cakes goes viral on canard.fr:
Her Majesty understands aspirational households’ aims to do better in life more than her elite Parisian critics ever will. I’m confident the country sees that she speaks for hard-working families.
Entirely off the record, this is why Prime Minister Richelieu is so keen to get immigration under control. The country’s swamped with Austrians. The sooner we can deport her the better. You didn’t hear that from me
The King leaves Paris, in disguise and a hurry, under cover of darkness:
His Majesty’s eyes have been suffering under his heavy responsibilities. He’s decided to take a brief vacation in our beautiful French countryside. Does Robespierre promise to support the tourist industry this summer?
Entirely off the record, do you know a good shipbroker?
The royal family is put to death, and the Sieur with them. In a final unattributable briefing on the tumbril en route to the guillotine:
I don’t see this as my brutal execution in front of a screaming mob, but more of an example of the Big Society in action, and the opportunity to launch a new phase of my career. Entirely off the record, I never used my head anyway…